Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver 
... and then confuse people into thinking it's the rest of your previous status update when it isn't.
The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.
Man Rule #1........never start a conversation with a stranger while at a urinal
just recieved a letter in the mail from Jerry Springer asking me to be a guest on his show.... This cant be good
Whoever said 'Laughter is a medicine with no side effects' obviously never pee'd themselves from laughing
That was delicious corn on the cob. If you could have seen me enjoying it you would have thought I was a corn star.
BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.
If I ever die because of marijuana, mark on my grave, “I am too stoned to get up!”
....and outta nowhere they wheeled the piano in, Elton put on those freaky glasses,and Pippa did a poledance in the aisle!
may the 5th of jack be with you
When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.
Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.
I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!!
a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do
The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."
What's the definition of a gay midget? A LOW BLOW!
dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.
Attended a group exercise class using Shake Weights. We had trouble getting our rhythm at first but we finally all came together at the end.
some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress but when they're held for pleasure, their the balls that I like the best 