Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever die because of marijuana, mark on my grave, “I am too stoned to get up!”

   ....and outta nowhere they wheeled the piano in, Elton put on those freaky glasses,and Pippa did a poledance in the aisle!

   may the 5th of jack be with you

   When's it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin' up and not gettin' arrested.

   Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.

   I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!!

   a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do

   The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."

   What's the definition of a gay midget? A LOW BLOW!

   dealin with backstabbers there was one thing I learned.. they are only powerful when you got ur back turned.

   Attended a group exercise class using Shake Weights. We had trouble getting our rhythm at first but we finally all came together at the end.

   some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress but when they're held for pleasure, their the balls that I like the best

   I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear.

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.

   Wouldn't it be cool if "brownie points" could be collected and traded in for real brownies?

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"