Funny Status Messages

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?