lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   .menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... ever notice how most womens probIems begin with men?

   I was arrested for impersonating a police officer last night.It turned out alright in the end though; I let myself go without pressing any charges.

   ..5p from every voodoo doll she sells is going towards the Haitian quake relief. The Gordon Brown one is selling like hotcakes..

   I don't know who example555@hotmail.com is but I wish he would stop using my MSN Messenger.

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   If I didn't use the bus,i would never have a man opening a door for me.

   ..just quit her job washing cats. I hated it! I could never get the fur off my tongue.

   I was watching some trailers at my local cinema when to my surprise a movie came on.

   My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   The other day I threw a boomerang at a ghost. I knew it would come back to haunt me.

   I woke up this morning and my friend said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No. I made a few mistakes."

   Life without chocolate is like a beach without water.

   ..is already missing her time in Palermo. They had sunshine and sexy women. What does the U.K. haue? A week of summer and Susan Boyle.

   ..doesn't understand people who say "by now.." As in "by now you should have children,.by now you should be married..by now you should.." Sorry but if "by now" i'll "pay later".

   Police found the device in a smoking Nissan Pathfinder. Thank God it was a Nissan. If it had been a Toyota, you know it would have blown up.

   I was thinking about becoming an atheist, but I thought screw it, you don't get any holidays.

   Two goldfish in a bowl. One says to the other "If there is no God,who changes our water every week?"

   If there were no such things as bears,what kind of hugs would we give?

   Studies show that four out of five poker players take drugs to keep awake and sharp at the table. The one that doesn't stay sharp is the one who shouts out "Go Fish!"