lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids

   The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

   Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

   People are more opposed to fur than leather because it's easier to harass old ladies and supermodels than argue with motorcycle gangs.

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet,I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.

   Stepping in some water barefoot in the kitchen, not so bad.Stepping in some water with socks on, bloody catastrophic.

   I bet the homeless are really nice people. They never wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   Don't reach for the stars. You'll just look like a idiot stretching for no reason.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   Why do repairmen never have the part they need to fix something and say they'll come back in a few days when they get it? It's like a cop showing up to arrest someone and saying "Oh sorry. Looks like I'll need handcuffs. I'll be back in few days with them

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy? It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

   Never buy a car you can't push.