Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.

   Just when you feel like humanity is finally waking up, the last two psyops proved 99% are still asleep.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   Chris Wallace is having daily breakdowns over CNN+ sucking so bad.

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven whilst I slumber in yon bedchamber.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The 5th one recommends wax lips.

   Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Ripping the little panties off a Reese’s is the most erotic thing you can do in your 50’s.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over