Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   90’s Psychopath = 2020’s Gender fluid mainstream progressive.

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven whilst I slumber in yon bedchamber.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   You’d be surprised how quickly employees will assist you after you try to start a chainsaw.

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum. The 5th one recommends wax lips.

   Advise of the day: Stop having relationship problems with someone that you’re not in a relationship with.

   No matter how good your heart is, eventually you start to treat people the way that they treat you.

   When she’s looking for a quick fling and you have a trebuchet in your back yard.

   Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.

   Him: The doctor says if I don’t receive nudes I’ll die! Her: Damn, that’s crazy.

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   Ripping the little panties off a Reese’s is the most erotic thing you can do in your 50’s.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   Suddenly, California has too much water! Let’s play a game called, simmer-sin-sink-or-swim.

   Your nudes won’t impress me…. Change my mind.

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   Mike, Echo, Oscar, Whiskey… how do you copy? Over