Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The busiest person at the White House is whoever has to update the office contact list.

   What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”

   The christmas nativity play was cancelled. Not due to religious reasons, but because they couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin

   Dear Government, disco died, please update your hold music.

   I am addicted to updating my Facebook status. The first step is admitting I have a problem, right??

   an alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.

   has been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog...

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   told his Mom she should get on Facebook and she said she's been putting on makeup for 40 years and doesn't need a book to tell her how to do it.

   thinking whomever that came up with the Have A Happy Period ad campaign is an idiotic, 45 yr old virginal man, raised in the wild, by wolves.

   nice perfume....must you marinate in it?

   Today is the day we remember there is evil in the world......

   I hate rich people who think they are above and better than the poor and middle class,hey people when your gone they'll use manure on your grave just like mine

   never thought he'd be staring at boobs on sesame street….sweet.

   I'm going to open my own Walmart... Every register will be manned... A bouncer at each front door that will not let "THE PEOPLE OF WALMART" come in. And the slogan will be "Get yo' sh@# & get out."

   was so surprise when I was born that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

   hates people who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...

   am I the only one who gets the urge to kick small children when I see them walking really slowly in front of me?

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Chattanooga TN. For your own safety head to Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......