Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching the college bowl games and I was thinking. If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely. "Congratulations, you didn't s**t your pants today, here's a sticker"

   says its so cold today, that I just seen on the news that the fire department rushed to the strip club to pry 2 ladies from a pole.

   I'm sorry miss, but if you didn't want your melons squeezed than you shouldn't work in produce section.

   Life is a beach, I'm just playin' in the sand...

   Inflation and Financial crisis have become so critical and serious nowadays that majority of the men have started loving their own wife.

   Difference between promises and memories? We break promises, and our memories break us.

   The word is RUMORS dumbass, kinda like the ones we heard about you not being funny. Except that one turned out to be true.

   Dear Bruno Mars, dont die for that b*tch, obviously if someones throwing grenades at her she's involved in some illegal sh*t.

   Dear Air Traffic Contollers, It's not enought that the FAA has security patting down 6 year olds, but for the love of God, take a six pack of Red Bull in a cooler with you when you go to work at night. Sincerely, the public.

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!

   What do want to bet there's going to be a lot of revenge attacks over the next few months?

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   Sales for Wal-Mart have fell again in the USA. This is just more proof that people have realized they have enough cheap crap in their homes.

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it while spending so much energy on recycling..

   The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.