Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry miss, but if you didn't want your melons squeezed than you shouldn't work in produce section.

   Life is a beach, I'm just playin' in the sand...

   Inflation and Financial crisis have become so critical and serious nowadays that majority of the men have started loving their own wife.

   Difference between promises and memories? We break promises, and our memories break us.

   The word is RUMORS dumbass, kinda like the ones we heard about you not being funny. Except that one turned out to be true.

   Dear Bruno Mars, dont die for that b*tch, obviously if someones throwing grenades at her she's involved in some illegal sh*t.

   Dear Air Traffic Contollers, It's not enought that the FAA has security patting down 6 year olds, but for the love of God, take a six pack of Red Bull in a cooler with you when you go to work at night. Sincerely, the public.

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!

   What do want to bet there's going to be a lot of revenge attacks over the next few months?

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   Sales for Wal-Mart have fell again in the USA. This is just more proof that people have realized they have enough cheap crap in their homes.

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it while spending so much energy on recycling..

   The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.

   iRIP: Steve Jobs as I sit here and learned about your death straight from the device you have invented the iPhone. Now as you set on your iCloud to the pearly gates. We will remember the greatest entrepreneur of our time. - Sent from my iPhone #1955-2011

   Thanks Steve Jobs for giving the world an option to do more than stare out the "Window".