Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once a pun a time, my jokes didn't suck!

   What do want to bet there's going to be a lot of revenge attacks over the next few months?

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbor forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible..

   It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   Sales for Wal-Mart have fell again in the USA. This is just more proof that people have realized they have enough cheap crap in their homes.

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   Proof of insurance Officer? Of course didn't you see my two State Farm stickers on my bumper?

   Man is the only living being who cuts trees, makes paper, and writes “SAVE TREES” on it while spending so much energy on recycling..

   The sad moment when you are playing hide and go seek.. you have the best hiding spot... you have to go pee

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.

   iRIP: Steve Jobs as I sit here and learned about your death straight from the device you have invented the iPhone. Now as you set on your iCloud to the pearly gates. We will remember the greatest entrepreneur of our time. - Sent from my iPhone #1955-2011

   Thanks Steve Jobs for giving the world an option to do more than stare out the "Window".

   Women are completely cute and defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   It's casual Friday. Go give your boss the finger!

   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets

   Irony is not dead. The U.S. Embassy in Kabul wishes the people of Afghanistan a "Happy and Peaceful Independence Day."

   Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs

   Not all wannabe gangster wear the pants hanging down and chase girls at the mall. Most amazingly enough, are on facebook, are middle aged and post annoying requests on my wall to play Mafia Wars.

   hey Ladies...I just noticed that I stick my tongue out in concentration when I wipe my butt. It's pretty adorable... still single