Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   The week between Christmas and New Year's should be called "Taint Week".

   As a Grandparent, my only New Year's resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2020 to the Disney Corporation.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.

   *puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   Any man that believes women are "the weaker sex," has never tried to reclaim his half of the blankets on a cold winter's night...

   A wise man once told me, "Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that"

   My wife told me to stop quoting song lyrics. I told her I don't need permission to make my own decisions. That's my prerogative.

   My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instantly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut

   Going thru my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

   My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

   i would not pray for you, nut below