Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   If your butt cheeks were horizonal you would applaud every time you ran up the stairs.

   I have a night light in my room because it makes me feel safe. Nothing scares a monster more than a low wattage light bulb shaped like a Donald Duck.

   why do they call it delivering a baby if you still have to take the baby home yourself?

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   The week between Christmas and New Year's should be called "Taint Week".

   As a Grandparent, my only New Year's resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2020 to the Disney Corporation.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.

   *puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse's station* Nurse: We only need one. *puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.