Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.

   Pokemon Lives Matter

   If a Canadian falls in the forest and no one is around, does he still apologize?

   Coming This Fall On HBO: Game of Loans. Move over medieval times, it's university life at it's finest in 2016.

   Awesome Fact: All baseball players are bilingual they speak English and profanity.

   I thought I was in a bad mood but its been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.

   1/3 of the world is going crazy killing each other tonight, 1/3 of the nerds are looking for pokemon, 1/3 of women are rubbing their poor children in essential oils and I'm just laying on the couch wondering how I ran out of Oreos.

   I woke up this morning and there was a big Pokemon next to me and I don't even have the app!

   QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Two words: Pokemon No

   Roger Ailes quits FOX News ..... Guess it's up to Trump Now!

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   Can you get financial aid for dating?

   They say that we are what we eat. That means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.