Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I need to ask you a serious question. GF: OK! First, let me get my mother, sister, BFF and college roommate on speakerphone!! Me: OK, why does a wool sweater shrink when you wash it but sheep don't shrink when it rains??

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

   When OJ gets out, he going to kill it on Tinder.

   According to a RAND study from June 2016,. The researchers concluded that these treatments would increase health care costs for active-duty service members by $2.4 million and $8.4 million annually, Have to make obamacare cuts somewhere.

   My uncle is the town drunk. Unfortunately, the town is Chicago.

   To err is hunam!!

   My wife now has a broken nose and a black eye because wouldn't listen to me. I said "Honey! Look out for that lamp post!"

   They should make a "How It's Made" episode on how "How It's Made" is made.

   I don't like making plans because then the word "Premeditated" ends up as part of the charges.

   Hurricane Irma rescuers, rescues air jordans from rising flood water at a foot locker store.

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN

   they say you have to go through hell to get to heaven,i wish I brought my gps with me cause I'm lost.lol

   Instead of reading Hugh Hefner's obituary I'm just gonna look at the pictures.

   View the world the way you would like it to be, and not as it is. It's less stressful.

   Don't be sad over the things you lost. Be grateful for the things you still have. Enjoy your day. :)

   It's October...Which means it's time for people to put up the Christmas decorations they took down in July.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.