Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have yet to be intimidated by fancy wine lists thanks to my vast knowledge of fancy wines and my eeny, meeny, miny moe system!!!

   When push comes to shove, isn't that just a fight waiting to happen??

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   When I set the bar too high, I just go under it.

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   You're not too young for me; you just haven't lived enough.

   Too many men try to extinguish a woman's fire. If you feel her heat, don't bring water, bring gasoline.

   "I barely know you are you sure you want to have sex?" Things you will never hear a guy say

   The nice thing about dating a girl who has 3 dogs, 3 cats and a horse, is that she is already accustomed to the smells and animal-like behavior.

   Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse, sorry I mean Sarah Jessica Parker.

   Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.

   All men are Millionaires … at least by sperm count....The funny truth is ... Even these millions are spent on women!!

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   What's it called again??? Oh Yeah, BOOZE!!!

   Everyone comes with baggage...Find someone who is carrying Gucci baggage.

   If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.