Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My date last night told me she loved being handcuffed yet all she did was b!tch at me as we sat in the back of a squad car after the robbery

   Grammer: The difference between knowing your sh*t and Knowing You're sh*t.

   I have yet to be intimidated by fancy wine lists thanks to my vast knowledge of fancy wines and my eeny, meeny, miny moe system!!!

   When push comes to shove, isn't that just a fight waiting to happen??

   I can summarise the 10 commandments into one: DON'T BE A DOUCHEBAG.

   When I set the bar too high, I just go under it.

   Babe, you can find the key to my heart in any liquor store.

   The nice thing about dating a girl who has 3 dogs, 3 cats and a horse, is that she is already accustomed to the smells and animal-like behavior.

   Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   Don't cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse, sorry I mean Sarah Jessica Parker.

   Can you guys just make me famous so I don’t have to work anymore.

   All men are Millionaires … at least by sperm count....The funny truth is ... Even these millions are spent on women!!

   Guys, tell her she looks more beautiful without any make up. She won't believe you but your odds of getting laid will improve enormously.

   What's it called again??? Oh Yeah, BOOZE!!!

   Everyone comes with baggage...Find someone who is carrying Gucci baggage.

   If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.

   Honk if you hate car horns.