sean Funny Status Messages

   Rush Limbaugh says CBS hiring Stephen Colbert is an "assault on traditional American values," like drug use, gluttony, sexism and lying.

   When I voted I wrote Abraham Lincoln in for president and Bill Clinton in for Vice President , Because 2 things this country has Too much of is vampires and ho'z !!

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   After a long first game the Cubs seem to have been mathematically eliminated from playoff contention, Congrats to Ryan Dumpster, 6 runs in 6 innings not a bad start..

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself

   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side in the middle of the night...

   I like to go on OK Cupid and find the worst possible matches for myself and message them being like "We can make this work."

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   I like to think of items outside the grocery store as the "Steal it. We don't give a crap anymore" section.

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   Newt Gingrich bows out of Presidential race to focus on being the world's largest high-fructose corn syrup storage silo.

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   Christmas...-What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of your sock?

   The sign at this Burger King bathroom says employees must wash hands. I've been waiting for them to come wash my hands for an hour. Nothing.

   Next time a dude says "Pictures or it didn't happen", punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

   How is the show "Deadliest Catch" not about AIDS?

   With our lousy credit rating, next time we wanna buy a tank, Canada is gonna have to cosign.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   My voicemail greeting is just me strangling a cat while reading bible passages.