Snotty Funny Status Messages

   If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   Eating soup in the shower isn't saving me as much time as I thought.

   The University of Phoenix's mascot,, is just a guy struggling to open a can of tuna.

   I hate it when my sock puppets fight... Cuz I don't have a free hand to break them up.

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".

   Time to delete my Instagram account now... Also,, what's Instagram?"

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved

   Disappointed to learn it's not going to kill me ... because I'm done with waiting for it to make me stronger.

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   Criminal Tip: Buy a gun from a guy off the streets. As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back........Free gun.

   I wish I was a gloworm,,, a gloworm's never glum,,, cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out your bum