Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   If a girl ever tells you to your face that you can’t afford her-listen to her. No matter how rich or poor you are, she is too cheap for you.

   please take down your engagement photos I'M ALLERGIC

   The chest burst scene from Alien, but just me leaving work.

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya.

   My girl just called to tell me she went into labor. I said, "Hell yeah, its about time you got a job!"

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   My superpower is common decency.

   As a comedian, people don't care about you until you speak, then they like you. As a model it's the opposite.

   I'm nothing like this generation. I just live in it.

   "I'll have what she's halving." - Divorce Lawyers

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started