Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?

   The lady at the gambler's hotline must be a good luck charm. Right after our chat, I won $50 on an scratch off ticket.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Don't ever question my loyalty because you'll scare it away forever.

   I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.

   Every time Beyoncé types out her name, she has to google "Pokémon" and then copy/paste the "é".

   haha this is so sweet.. apparently you can use your imagination to travel to diff. times/places. grounded my ass.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   Muggers accept all major credit cards.

   Life can take you anywhere. And here we are.

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   I get offended when others talk while I'm interrupting.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. It tastes the same, but you know its wrong....

   My dentist just told me I have 6 months to live.

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.