Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They had a distribution plan for crack pipes, but not for baby formula.

   It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. Mahatma Gandhi

   Listening to your friend talk about how she’s working it out with her boyfriend after you already blocked him, keyed his car and took his cat to the pound.

   When you give tourists wrong directions as a prank and then see them a week later on television gone missing.

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?

   Sign at 7 eleven, gas is 7.11, “the prophecy has been fulfilled.”

   When someone gets loud with you and you’re considering unleashing every single one of your inner demons.

   Remember kids, don't play with fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all day set them off. Happy 4th of July!

   Pros and cons of making kids. Pros: making, Cons: kids

   A friend asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming play about Julius Caesar. I told him that I would take a stab at it.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   Come on hurricanes, get with the climate change program.

   I loved being in my 20’s. A whole decade of being in my physical prime and mental rock bottom, what a dynamic.

   Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.

   Sorry I sprayed WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that noise you were making.

   Social media has made too many of you comfortable with disrespecting people and not getting punched in the mouth for it.

   Apologize when you’re wrong. Stop looking for quotes that support your stupidity.

   Just when you feel like humanity is finally waking up, the last two psyops proved 99% are still asleep.

   Right or wrong, make a choice. Life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide.

   Chris Wallace is having daily breakdowns over CNN+ sucking so bad.