Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thing that disturbs me the most about social media,is when I see a woman from the high school days who didn't age very well, and I think to myself, "Man, I can't believe I zherked off to that."

   I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.

   The only heterosexual way for a man to shave his legs, is if he falls off a motorcycle at 120 mph.

   I'm yet to see hot chics do the Ice Bucket challenge in a t-shirt. Come on ladies...I'm waiting.

   There comes a point in everybody's life when they feel forgotten by someone they'll never forget.

   Did you ever notice that Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he came out of the shower?

   Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

   End discrimination. Hate everybody!

   My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.

   Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

   Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!

   I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.

   just found out the difference between kinky and erotic..erotic was the use of the feather..kinky was the whole damn chicken

   I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   Just walked passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its' wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence please.

   Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. ..

   theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..

   I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.