Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME!

   End discrimination. Hate everybody!

   My husband asked me if I wanted to play Call of Duty the other day. When I said yes, he handed me a tub of cleaning supplies.

   Today is National Facebook Unfriend Day. I hope you make it to tomorrow as my friend. I just want you to know I'm pulling for you.

   Utlimate compliment for a woman: I'm not drunk, and you are still cute!

   I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.

   just found out the difference between kinky and erotic..erotic was the use of the feather..kinky was the whole damn chicken

   I love to eat Bran Flakes in the morning. I guess i'm just a regular girl.

   moving to the country and gonna eat me a lot of peaches

   Just walked passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its' wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence please.

   Everyone has that one friend you just can't bring anywhere cause they always embarrass you. If you can't think of who that friend is, it's you. ..

   theres nothing quite as embarrasing as getting your hidden "baby oil" bottle for that special lonely moment, and seeing "LMFAO" in black marker written on it..

   I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.

   A fun thing to do at public restrooms is to wait until someone leaves, click a stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.

   i would slap the pretty out of your face if you had any left

   Imagine a guy trying to run upstairs while wearing roller blades. That's my life

   I'm only on FB for fun. Please stop trying to manipulate me into reposting your sappy dumba$$ status update.

   I'm not surprised when I see some poor coward insult me online anonomously. What's surprising is that he could pull himself away from his Post T Vac and his new episode of "Toddlers and Tiaras" long enough to type something intelligible.

   Dear mom, You may have seen me naked when I was a baby, but that was 15 years ago. Sincerely, please learn to knock.

   It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see.