Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This girl came up to me and said she recognized me from vegetarian club. I think she was mistaken. I'd never met herbivore.

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog

   rip joe paterno - his glasses will be donated to science and studied to see if they allow you to see anything!!

   roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?

   Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?

   Stop reading this and go have some sex

   Adele's ex-boyfriend and Gotye's ex-girlfriend should totally hook up.

   I can't believe they remade the Pink Panther movie and changed the name since it stars a b|@ck guy instead. It is just pathetic how blatantly unoriginal Hollywood has gotten these days.

   Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood

   Dear women, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest eat a banana.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....'I've got nothing man.'

   I wished I loved anything as much as white folks love saying "gracias" in Mexican restaurants.

   Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they're not looking!

   I'm tired of the stereotypes people have about the Irish. As soon as I finish this beer I'm leaving the bar and kicking someone's ass.

   looking for a meaningful overnight relationship!

   The chocolate fountain..... Not the first runny brown liquid to be produced by Golden Corral.

   Don't text me while I'm in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my whole message.

   A snail was out walking one afternoon and was stopped, robbed and beaten up by two turtles. When the police arrived they asked him what had happened. The snail said he was not sure as it had happened so fast

   Excuse me for the lack of updates lately. I'm really busy growing a mustache.

   If I don't hear from you at least every 2 hours, I will assume you hate me and the feeling shall be mutual. I can't control my crazy.