Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.

   I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....

   We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.

   am I the only person watching Fuller House waiting for Bob Saget to tell the daughters how he met their mother?

   Survival Tip: if your wife cooks up "a mess of bacon" and puts it in the fridge, she has a plan. Do not make yourself an epic sandwich.

   Some girls: "I hangout with guys, there's less drama." Guys: "I hangout with myself watching sports or Netflix. There's no drama and I don't have to wear pants."

   8yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?... Me: What's wrong with the one we live in?.. 8yo: WHAT !?!... Me: Goodnight, son.

   Plans for the weekend? Lie in bed and move just enough so people don't think I'm dead.

   Dear annoying stalker,. Thanks for the confidence boost. Sincerely, keep it up.

   I'm going to start using the word "organic" in my all post. Sorry.....but inevitably I will have to pass the cost on to you guys.......

   Man, reality is relentless.

   If Prince can kick Kim Kardashian off the stage I should be able to kick her and all Kardashian nonsense off my Facebook feed.

   What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

   Excuse me miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup.