aaron Funny Status Messages

   People who take the elevator up one floor should wear signs reading "I quit trying at life long ago."

   Facebook is in a relationship with the stock market and it's complicated.

   Wipe your mouth. There's still a little tiny bit of BS around your lips.

   My interest in boomerangs comes and goes.

   Whenever I stalk someone, I wear a big foam finger so it's less creepy and more "super awesome fan."

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   Stop the world, I want to get off!

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   "What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?" Officer: "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   "Hey, there's food on the ground. Let's go." "No way, it hasn't been 5 seconds yet." -germs

   So, this freed Chilean miner walks into a bar, hot chick buys him a drink & says "Your place or mine?"

   If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.

   Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

   If I were the President, I'd create the Adorable Care Act, where every American would get a free puppy.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual status update, you would have received further instructions on where to go and what to do.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   While at self check out... "Do I get an employee discount, now?"