Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary... Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google it.

   Instead of throwing out expired milk,, I just write "with pulp" on it and put it back in the fridge... Easy-peasy

   FYI: Hospitals don't like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first..........Geesh

   How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

   People still shooting off fireworks better be careful that they don't hit any of the Christmas decorations they never took down.

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   CNN poll: 17% of Americans view North Korea favorably... CBS poll: 9% of Americans approve of Congress.... Hmm

   Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

   I have dragon slayer on my resume. Nobody's had the nutsack to call me on it, yet...

   I bought a used UPS truck. It gets poor gas mileage but I can double park anywhere.

   This is the worst self help forum I have ever read.

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   What do people with spinning flashing inflatable Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?

   The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…

   Almost a 1000 posts, And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.. Well, It's not really a t-shirt, more of a hospital gown. And this afternoon, I get to go for a supervised walk.

   David Caruso finds the bomber dead in a boat,,,"Looks like someone could've used a...." (removes shades)... "Life preserver."

   And that's why I don't have a boat.

   How do you tell if you've lost an argument on Facebook? Well first you're are in an argument on Facebook.

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.

   I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14