Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I have two feelings, it's either "I'm hungry" or "I shouldn't have eaten this much"

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   When people ask if they can get me anything, I always ask for a jetpack.

   I would like to see the original blue prints for the city Starship built on rock and roll.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?

   I don't like war either but let's all admit that peace has way fewer cool explosions.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   In other birthday news, Cory Hart turns 50. He now wears his bifocals at night.

   Detroit Lions players mock Tim Tebow in blowout win Sunday. Tim Tebow responded with; At least I don't wake up in Detroit.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out

   Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR

   Watching a Travel Channel show on ghosts. I don't buy the Massachusetts ghost in the red flannel shirt. Thats a meth addict, not a ghost.

   Turns out, “Dress for the job you want," does NOT mean you should show up to a job interview in footie pajamas.

   Not sure how to feel about always being the one asked to take the family group photo.

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.