Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!

   Iranian Presdient Hassan Rouhani thinks he can have his Yellowcake and eat it too!!!

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   I never know how many Ramen Noodle seasoning packets to save throughout the year for Halloween treats, but I think I have enough.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   Oh great now the bill collector is blowing up my phone cuz he thought we got accidentally disconnected....

   in fact the real slim shady

   in a PBS world with a MTV mind

   Thinks your so vain you proberly think this status is about you!

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   God's last name is not Dammit

   I sure wish Texas had that $150billion that Obama gave to Iran.

   That awkward moment when the newscaster confuses the name Obama with Osama

   What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?...........Bindair Dundat

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   State of the union speech is on. Hang on to your wallets.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   saw a rather unattractive pregnant woman and thought, "Neat...Good for you."

   Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.