Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yawning is your bodies way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.

   There should be a summer camp for adults where you just go and sleep for 3 weeks.

   I'd have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place with more laundry than my house is prison.

   It's hard to drink coffee while laying down in bed but I'm trying.

   I wonder what bathrooms Bill will use if he becomes first lady?

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

   I had assumed Netflix's The Do-Over was about Adam Sandler traveling back in time to fix his career. I was wrong.

   in fact the real slim shady

   in a PBS world with a MTV mind

   Thinks your so vain you proberly think this status is about you!

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   God's last name is not Dammit

   I sure wish Texas had that $150billion that Obama gave to Iran.

   That awkward moment when the newscaster confuses the name Obama with Osama

   What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?...........Bindair Dundat

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   State of the union speech is on. Hang on to your wallets.