Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brett Favre retired today, I'm not Worried about it too much. It's kinda like when Snoop Dog quit's weed. It really means nothing."

   a true smarta$$ and can be quite b*tchy at times too - but it's my natural defense against stupidity!

   I was watching 20/20 and they had a feature called "Bait Car" where people attempt to steal the car but the doors lock and the engine shuts off. I wonder if they sell a "Date Car?"

   Does running out of money count as exercise?

   If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight

   I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos

   Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...

   Its the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine

   If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...