Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight

   I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos

   Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

   saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.

   My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...

   Its the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine

   If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

   Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

   Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

   Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.

   Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.

   If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.

   if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...

   I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

   I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??

   It's not stalking if she doesn't know

   I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.