Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3021 of 6446

If you're in the mood for a little disappointment & looking to be unsatisfied, sexually or intellectually, give me a call. I'm free tonight
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07-21-2013 07:55
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I think facebook was originally invented by pharmaceutical companies as a way to create 50 million new insomniacs overnight and boost Ambien sales. Zuckerberg just took all the credit.
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07-29-2013 10:06 by gil
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"It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos
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08-03-2013 10:21
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Monday. What a horrible way to start the week.

saying Cray Cray makes me want to stab you in the fay fay.
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09-10-2013 13:59
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My next plan for Christmas shopping would be buying a couple of laptops to like my status on this ...
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12-20-2012 20:50
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Its the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine
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12-21-2012 10:07 by MWC
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If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.
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12-21-2012 21:01 by BEGO
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Yes I'm that a$$hole who refuses to stand up and clap in a room filled with people standing and clapping.
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12-22-2012 02:47
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I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."
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12-29-2012 12:20
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Everyone loves "sexy mom" except her kids

Started off 2013 right by hitting the gym bright and early, mainly because they wouldn't cancel my membership over the phone.

Just because you've had a lot of lovers doesn't automatically mean you're an ideal one.
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01-13-2013 12:06
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Ladies please stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet, there are no brooms that big.
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01-15-2013 11:47
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If sex is the only basis for your relationship, make sure it's good enough so that you never have to talk.
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01-23-2013 13:44
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if you ever see me lying on the side of the road, do me a solid and pause my iFit...
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01-23-2013 19:43
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I've never understood the big deal some people make when they clean house and say "you can eat off the floor"...on any given day, there's enough food on my floor to feed a small family...

I admit women are hard to figure out. Like, why do you tilt your head in pictures??
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02-10-2013 08:55
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It's not stalking if she doesn't know
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10-25-2012 13:18
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I've given out the same candy for over 5 Halloweens now. It's a Jolly Rancher... on a string.