sean Funny Status Messages

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.

   I love when people make a photo of their kid as their Facebook profile pic so it's like a baby is screaming about gun rights.

   I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...

   "Don't buy condoms at BP gas stations. They may burst and result in a leak..."

   Don't worry guys, Casey Anthony will eventually go to jail for stealing back her sports memorabilia at gunpoint. Let's just ride this out.

   They call mens shaving cream "Beard buster" so why dont they call womens shaving cream "Bush buster"?

   Heard Bill Clinton on the radio, someone asked how his wife's head was, couldnt help but think probably not as good as Monica's..

   Before we jump all over him, are we sure Romney wasn't counting himself as one of the 47% of Americans who don't pay taxes?

   People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

   If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

   Camping is a great way to show people that you hate your own home but can't afford a decent hotel.

   So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?

   She was like the apple God warned Adam and Eve about

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   Nicholas Cage is the Nickleback of actors.

   Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   I used to work at the post office, I told people I was a mail escorts...

   Life Lesson 585: I should write a book about things not to say: Like, it is very unwise for someone to tell a lady struggling with a diet that they would actually loose 10lbs by shaving their back hair. The doctors tell me I should be able to walk again