lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   I wish the government would takeover all the Farmville land and sell it off Facebook to pay down the national debt

   I taught my dog to beg today. He came back with £12.75.

   ...its -4 out and snow is on it's way tomorrow...so much for this global warming they talk about...although they'll probably blame the cold on the hole in the ozone layer or cow farts...

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   73% of men don't know what a cookie is. But 99% know how to delete them.

   If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration,i wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

   If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.

   "When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien

   This week the California gay marriage ban Proposition 8 was struck down the same day as the new 2011 IKEA catalog was unveiled. Coincidence?

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   Why do men name their penis? They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of their decisions.

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   3 blondes comes across some tracks. 1st blonde "Its deer tracks!" 2nd blonde "No! Dog tracks!" 3rd blonde "No! Its bear tracks!" They were still arguing when they were hit by a train.

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?

   ..is wondering what would happen if she went to her supermarket, opened a can of tomato juice on to the floor and yelled "CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE THE TAMPONS ARE?! I NEED SOME ASAP!"