Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   PRO TIP: If you cut your pizza up into small enough pieces,,, you can use it as a topping for your other pizza.

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   I bet "Game of War" would do better if they'd just spend a few bucks on advertising.

   Could you please put your crying baby on vibrate...?

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   Geesh calm down everbody... Maybe Rachel Dozel just considers herself a "incog-negro"

   I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   Wait NAACP: Now you're sayin that " Once you go b!ack,,, you CAN go back?"

   New Yorkers could probably bail that water out a lot faster if they weren't limited to using 16 oz cups,,,, huh Bloomberg??

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   I hate it when I get out to the driveway and realize I left my Smart Car in my other pants.

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   My 1 year old said YOLO... She actually might have been asking for yogurt,, but just to be safe I put her in a time-out.