Thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   Trump and Hillary are on the same plane. Plane crashes, who survives? America

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters. So Trump can’t tweet it.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.

   My New Years resolution is simple…. Remember to write 2017 instead of 2016

   Hillary Clinton should be the first f-president. I was going to say female but somebody deleted the 'emale'.

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

   I heard a rumour Monica Lewinsky won't be voting for Hillary. It seems the last Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   For my New Year’s Resolution, I have decided to only smoke after sex. If 2016 is anything to go by, I’ve quit.

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

   "Sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." — John. F. Kennedy

   I may be getting older, but I remember back in my day, if you took pics of yourself to show all your mates, you were a faggot.

   Clinton vs Trump. Whoever wins, We lose.

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   I hope you all have a prosperous New Year … I may have to borrow money.