Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it.

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   My doctor is getting REALLY tired of me asking if the stuff I see in commercials is right for me.

   I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   We all lose if CBS doesn't film the next Survivor aboard a Carnival Cruise Ship.

   Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   Whole Foods sells $10 gift cards... The perfect gift for a loved one who wants two onions.