LEMONPILLOW Funny Status Messages

   Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

   Have you ever noticed how some people just won't stop texting even after you shoot them the one word answers repeatedly?

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.

   I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

   Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!

   Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.

   The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.

   I love Facebook. It's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.

   I'm having trouble sleeping. I guess i'd better get up from under my desk and get some work done.

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

   Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

   Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.

   Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.