JAKE Funny Status Messages

   annoyed that these guys like Clooney, Cruise, and DeNiro are all picking me as their celebrity look-alike. Get a life losers.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   A woman arrested for prostitution. Judge: How do you plead? Woman: Not guilty. I'm a sales woman. Judge: What do you sell ? Woman: Condoms with a free demontration.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?

   I'm so glad my boss can't hear what I'm thinking.

   I stopped eating natural foods when I found out that most people die from natural causes.

   I once was brave enough to shave my privates with a straight razor. But now I don't have the balls to do it again.

   If dentist make money from people with bad teeth. Why should we use a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 of them reconmend?

   When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.

   I don't mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It's the coming back home part that bothers me.

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   Wife said you always come home in a bad mood. I can't remember the last time you came home in a good one. I said of course not..... that's because you weren't home.