Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   what idiot named it erectile dysfunction instead of ballzheimer's

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   If you missed the MTV awards, you can see it again by throwing yourself down a flight of stairs while chewing a light bulb.

   ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 

   The inventor of the snooze button has died. His funeral will take place tomorrow at 6:00, 6:09, 6:18, 6:27, and 6:36.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some nerd at the park.

   I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   My Doctor says I'm a serious alcoholic, but I think I'm more of a funny alcoholic.

   I have laughed more at the Broncos offense then I have at the commercials.

   Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   there an STD named 'Miley Virus' yet?

   I'm trying to explain to this cop that I was tweeting while driving, not texting. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

   Microsoft really can't count. Windows 95, 98, 2000, 7. Xbox, Xbox 360, Xbox 1.