Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   Women are like snowflakes. They can't drive.

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   When pulling out the a nal beads, never say "And the winning powerball numbers are..."

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   Learned two lessons today. 1) Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting. 2) The staff at The Olive Garden are very narrow minded.

   So let me get this straight...The Hulk smashes cars and breaks things and people call him "incredible". I do it and people call me an "alcoholic" because I'm not green.

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Submarines are safer than airplanes because there are more airplanes in the sea than submarines in the sky.

   Headed over to this "Toys for Tots" thing today...so how many tots do I have to trade in for a PS4 or an Xbox One?

   I hold my wife's hand in the mall. Not because it's romantic but more because it's economical. It keeps her from shopping.

   So last night I'm sitting on the toilet straining and pushing as hard as I can when I hear a "pop" and the lights go out. My wife says to me "Are you ok? I think the power went out..." I respond with "Thank God for that, I thought my eyes had exploded.

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Canadian Thanksgiving tip #43: The meal isn't over until you hate yourself.

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   My wife is a wild animal in bed. And by that I mean she's more afraid of me than I am of her.

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.