Gabe Funny Status Messages

   I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   The circumference of a pumpkin divided by it's diameter = pumpkin pi...

   "We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.

   My lunch is packed... thermos full of coffee, have a change of clothes, have my laptop and phone...... Headed to Starbucks for the day!! I'd bring something back for you guys but I'm broke...

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   I don't always "Whoop", but when I do, there it is...

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries. I just tried to vote for a real estate agent...

   If you don't own a TV then how do you know which way to point the furniture?

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   I have no clue what's open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home...