Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.

   I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.

   I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.

   What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.

   Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman