CzovCzov Funny Status Messages

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   I would never make fun of a fat person at the gym. At least they are trying to do something about it and deserve cheers not jeers.

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   You know you are on a hamster wheel when you go to work to make enough money to pay for your car so you can get to work.

   When you post pictures of yourself flaunting money, I am forced to think you're not used to having it.

   When you're with the right person, you feel the perfect balance of happy and horny.

   We're all sex addicts. Some of us just have better dealers.

   Love yourself, just don’t do it in public. There are laws against that type of behavior.

   It should be a rule that if you're going to put you kid on a leash, you can't be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   I want my name to come up when you go to therapy.

   Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?

   There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod

   I would describe my dancing style as “Oh my god, is he having a seizure?”

   Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.

   If Obama was really Kenyan he would have won the race by now.

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   Warning to parents: If you ever catch your kids reading "50 Shades of Grey" WHATEVER YOU DO DON’T spank them.