Banjaxed Funny Status Messages

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   Today a 5 foot tall grashopper spit in my face, I went to my doctor and he did tell me he heard there was a really nasty bug going around

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   has a hangover so bad that the only thing keeping him alive is the hope that he'll drop dead

   My wife is going to crap when she sees I've fixed the toilet

   once had a Hangover so bad I had to put sneakers on the cat

   At a meeting last night Bill gates and Steve Jobs were both in attendance , when Gates started dozing off , Jobs replied "There's a nap for that"

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bott

   My Neighbors just bough me a new Seiko , I think they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanna watch

   When people ask me if I want to stay on their friends list I just send a short message saying "Don't Taze me Bro"

   last night the ghost of Gloria gaynor oke me from my sleep.....at first I was afraid I was petrified

   Confucious say man who not married not quite ready , when he get married he finished

   What king od socks do Pirate wear?......AAAARRRGYLE

   Did you hear about the Nascar driver who turned to boxing....he ran around the ring 300 times then knocked the guy out

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I have a Gun , get in the Van