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X STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
X I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
X Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.
X You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, you little sh!t.
X Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those live forever.
X Memo to self: Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've Gone Commando a few times in your life.
X You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.
X I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!
X These ‘energy saving' light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
X Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.
X Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
X I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.
X I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.
X If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
X The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.
X If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.
X Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.
X The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.
X The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.
X Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.