Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 12:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed
←Rate | 04-15-2018 11:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm tired of making me happy. Someone else needs to take a turn.
←Rate | 04-16-2018 02:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Kid, “Did you feel that? Was that an earthquake?” Husband, “No it was just your mother coming down the stairs.” And that, folks, is how to end a marriage in 10 words or less.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 13:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve never met a nap I didn’t like.
←Rate | 04-15-2018 11:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she’s worth a shot
←Rate | 04-17-2018 04:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...
←Rate | 04-09-2018 02:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shout out to pizza and sunglasses for being the only thing left to be sold out of huts.
←Rate | 04-14-2018 18:55 by Jimmy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.
←Rate | 04-09-2018 06:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone
←Rate | 04-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.
←Rate | 04-17-2018 12:59 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago.
←Rate | 04-20-2018 02:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
←Rate | 04-22-2018 17:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?
←Rate | 04-22-2018 18:08 by gil Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I'm usually fine with going home.
←Rate | 04-08-2018 13:55 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.
←Rate | 03-22-2018 16:28 by @Madlogic Comments (4)  

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