Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."
←Rate | 09-28-2017 20:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my new years resolution is to try to actually finish someth
←Rate | 01-06-2018 01:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I’m not sure who to believe
←Rate | 01-06-2018 05:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is
←Rate | 01-10-2018 04:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Know how old I am? I still owe Blockbuster $2 for not rewinding St. Elmo's Fire.
←Rate | 01-12-2018 09:40 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What a shock! ..Got a letter in the mail that read "If you ever want to see you're wife alive again, leave $50,000 in unmarked bills in the trash can on Chester Blvd". Seriously, does no one know the difference between "your" and "you're" anymore?
←Rate | 01-16-2018 10:35 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
←Rate | 11-10-2017 07:38 Comments (3)  


   messageicon A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
←Rate | 12-13-2017 09:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kim jong nu looks like a korean garden gnome
←Rate | 11-20-2017 18:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Your posts are going viral, just like herpes.
←Rate | 11-20-2017 22:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.
←Rate | 10-21-2017 17:29 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter
←Rate | 10-22-2017 20:58 by markf Comments (1)  


   messageicon Gold Star Chili ~ The only place where you can ask for a 3 way and not get charged with sexual-harassment.
←Rate | 12-20-2017 17:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
←Rate | 01-02-2018 03:03 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Watching Friday the 13th. A load of awful make-up on brain-dead zombies. Oh wait. Sorry, wrong channel. This is "The View".
←Rate | 01-13-2018 11:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:36 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon There should be a reality TV show where anti-capitalist millennials are questioned about what kind of government they want and then sent to a country that closely resembles their version as closely as possible and forced to live there for a few months.
←Rate | 12-18-2017 06:57 Comments (4)  


   messageicon Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
←Rate | 12-05-2017 05:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
←Rate | 12-22-2017 17:06 Comments (0)  



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