Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   Australian Kiss ~ Kind of like a French kiss, but down under.

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.

   We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.

   All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.