Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell in the floor.

   All my updates come with an extra helping of cornbread dressing. While supplies last.

   You: I’m offended, you can’t say that! Me: Noooo, I can, I did, and I probably will again.

   How about taco Wednesday’s, no one has ever done that before.

   It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while, to remind yourself why you don’t go out.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.

   Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still stupid.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize that they meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

   Lady: How did you fix that horrible annoying noise my car was making? Auto Technician: We simply removed your Taylor Swift CD and replaced it with Van Halen. 😎

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   I’d like to thank my middle finger, for all those times sticking up for me when I needed it the most.