Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   Me: My dog is probably thinking about other dogs. My dog: “What was Scar’s name before he got that scar?”

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

   Doctor Doggo: “Hmmm…. I see. Have you tried barking at nothing? That might help.”

   It might be called social media, but all I do is share photos and ignore people.

   It’s called a joke, we used to tell them before people got drunk on soymilk.

   You can’t change someone who doesn’t see an issue with their actions.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.