SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   Life Hack: Send your boss an email that says " Suck my A$$" and you wont have to go to work the next.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea who’s child it is.

   Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said ‘One bus takes 35 cars off the road’ personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is…

   So the presidential election is between a grandma who can't figure out her email and a grandpa who believes every spam he receives? Great.

   I used to dream of that fairytale kind of love. Now I'll settle for someone who'll gain weight faster than me.

   Urinating on a jelly fish sting helps the pain. Urinating on a bee sting just makes your neighbor angry.

   Started to wear a wig at the gym so everyone thinks I am strong for a girl.

   I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It's offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.