thejoke.cafe Funny Status Messages

   The most used electrical appliance in the wife’s kitchen is the smoke alarm.

   Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’

   I work as a waiter. The pay isn’t great but I put food on the table.

   My wife’s leaving me as I’m too controlling. It’s ok though, I’m not letting her.

   Facebook, making people who would’nt talk in the street wish each other Happy Birthday since 2004.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Filled the tank up with petrol today. Now all the fish are dead.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   America’s policy of shooting first and asking questions later has always been their downfall. I mean, just think how useful King Kong could have been on September the 11th.

   I just got offered a great deal from Vodafone. A new Samsung phone and a free fire extinguisher.

   It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most …

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make “Microwave.” No, don’t test it or question it, just believe me.

   I can’t walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants? Because E.T. eventually went home!

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   Women are natural born artists …….. From drawing eyebrows to drawing conclusions .