Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   I swear we are fighting two pandemics Covid 19 and Stupidity.

   General Public: We can't pay rent or the mortgage. Media: LOOK!! The orange haired guy said CHINESE VIRUS again!!

   How long are we supposed to do this social distancing thing? My wife keeps trying to get back into the house.

   I have the body of someone that goes to the gym everyday. Unfortunately I also have the body of someone that never refuses a cookie.

   Maybe the next hoarded item will be laxatives...to use up all the toilet paper.

   I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.

   I don’t know why my wife is so loud during sex it’s not like anyone is going to come rescue her

   My new pet peeve...commercials where people brush their teeth without making a mess. When my kids brush their teeth they look like they have minty fresh rabies.

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions.

   Remember, if you tell people who you voted for, it won’t come true

   I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.

   The things I do to make my wife happy. I'm wearing her underwear. She doesn't know I'm wearing them but when she puts them on tomorrow she'll think she lost weight.

   I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.

   Feeling cute...might buy a goalie mask and go camping later...I dunno. #FridayThe13th.

   For $250/hr I will pose as a couples counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everything.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.