Daheavy1 Funny Status Messages

   You know you fat when you use cheat codes for Wii Fit.

   No one has it worse than the duck that's allergic to gluten.

   They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

   I'm making a list of people I like. The ones who say "autumn" instead of "fall" are the first ones I'm crossing off

   "That's what" -She

   If you can't use your turn signals, you should not be trusted with the rest of the car either.

   Whenever I see hitchhikers, I just pretend they're telling me that I'm doing a great job driving.

   I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone els

   It's embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn't sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.

   I try to conduct myself as a perfect gentleman whenever I meet a lady. Chicks dig that.

   Does anyone really believe this thing with the Mayan calendar? If you do it's OK but if you don't, it's not the end of the world.

   I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.

   What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?

   I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

   I put my phone on "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air! ...Worst transformer ever.

   I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.