Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   All aboard the Prison Bus...oops, I mean The Trump Train.

   If you come back home from the dump with more stuff then you left with...... You might be a trumpian.

   I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

   Oh Sunday, the official day of choreographed religion.

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.

   There were more people at the Royal Wedding than Trump's inauguration. Just saying.....

   If ever took a beer to a job interview..... You might be a trumpian.

   If you walk with your son to school because you both are in the same grade....... You might be a trumpian.

   If your wife is your sister's, sister........ You might be a trumpian.

   Guess all the Toys R Us kids have all grown up.

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)