Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 17:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All aboard the Prison Bus...oops, I mean The Trump Train.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 12:30 Comments (25)  

   messageicon If you come back home from the dump with more stuff then you left with...... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:57 Comments (3)  

   messageicon I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 05:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh Sunday, the official day of choreographed religion.
←Rate | 05-20-2018 04:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. " Mark Twain.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 23:37 by Mark.Twain Comments (0)  

   messageicon There were more people at the Royal Wedding than Trump's inauguration. Just saying.....
←Rate | 05-19-2018 22:18 Comments (4)  

   messageicon If ever took a beer to a job interview..... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 22:02 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you walk with your son to school because you both are in the same grade....... You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your wife is your sister's, sister........ You might be a trumpian.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess all the Toys R Us kids have all grown up.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 21:28 Comments (2)  

   messageicon I’ll always be the one who got away.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I believe the only way to save Hawaii is to sacrifice a Michigan and Alabama fan to the angry Volcano.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 15:00 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:57 Comments (0)  

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