Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room
←Rate | 07-16-2019 17:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.
←Rate | 07-16-2019 11:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"
←Rate | 07-16-2019 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.
←Rate | 07-16-2019 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51
←Rate | 07-16-2019 08:06 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood
←Rate | 07-15-2019 23:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.
←Rate | 07-15-2019 15:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.
←Rate | 07-15-2019 12:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
←Rate | 07-15-2019 06:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.
←Rate | 07-14-2019 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
←Rate | 07-14-2019 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider
←Rate | 07-14-2019 06:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.
←Rate | 07-13-2019 23:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”
←Rate | 07-12-2019 22:18 by PosterBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 16:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 14:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.
←Rate | 07-12-2019 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet
←Rate | 07-11-2019 20:48 by ForeheadSlap Comments (1)  

   messageicon Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....
←Rate | 07-11-2019 20:07 by guest-TJ Comments (0)  

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