Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!

   Kim Kardashian says studying law is too hard. What did that whore expect?

   Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!

   I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...

   Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?

   I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.

   There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.

   Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"

   If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere

   I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

   The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

   I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

   This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.

   The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...