Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It bothers me that someone may steal my identity and use it to make thousands of dollars behind my back. It mostly bothers me because I currently have my identity and can't figure out how to do that..
←Rate | 05-07-2019 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron!
←Rate | 05-06-2019 18:09 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Kim Kardashian says studying law is too hard. What did that whore expect?
←Rate | 05-06-2019 18:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Revenge of the Sixth, everyone!
←Rate | 05-06-2019 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was cleaning out my pantry and found some tang. Unfortunately, it's the kind you drink...
←Rate | 05-06-2019 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whatever God was smoking when he invented the platypus, I want some.
←Rate | 05-06-2019 07:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey! That's my stuff!"?
←Rate | 05-06-2019 07:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish life was like a hockey game. I'd gladly spend five minutes in the penalty box for beating the snot out of someone who pissed me off.
←Rate | 05-06-2019 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's probably an employee named Jake who works at State Farm, who's had it with people's jokes and is about to go postal.
←Rate | 05-06-2019 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Countless individuals over the last 80 years have spent millions of hours on the development of the electronic computer. All so that I can sit at my desk yelling "Hurry up you stupid piece of crap!"
←Rate | 05-05-2019 17:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my dog has taught me anything it's if you're tired just lie down anywhere
←Rate | 05-05-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish my car's back-up camera had a "Save" button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This is your yearly reminder to not put bananas in fruit salads
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer
←Rate | 05-05-2019 12:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Only supporting the far-rights isn't uniting people. Just saying.
←Rate | 05-05-2019 11:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The number of hobbies a man has is directly proportionate to how cray his wife is...
←Rate | 05-05-2019 10:12 Comments (0)  

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