Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

   Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

   ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

   Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.

   I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.

   Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.

   Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.

   Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

   Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.

   wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

   There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.