Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to blow a blind date: Look at the menu, make your eyes huge and say, "I think I'll just have some water."

   Ive never seen a Dragon with fruit on it... I think its a scam by" big fruit " to get more $$$

   I don't know why hetero guys my age are so down on gays. Most of their wives look like men anyway.

   Memorizing pot hole locations is a must where I'm from.

   With all the bioengineering going on, why don't they cross egg-laying chickens with dairy cows? It'd save a step when making French toast.

   People who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per day.

   You know, if you name your kid Jeeves. You've pretty much mapped out his career.

   Q. What as 8 legs, bites, and lives in your butthole? A. A Brown Recluse spider.

   After A Heavy Night Of Drinking, I Took A Bus Home. That Might Not Be A Big Deal To Some Of You, But It Was The First Time I'd Driven One.

   Marriage tip: When your wife asks what's on TV, do not say dust.

   make me a discord status for my friends ex. they did a lot of bad stuff like hurting people and wanting e-sex

   I've been so busy these last few days that I haven't had any time to study quantum physics. I just can't be everywhere at once.

   How has this economy affected my spending? Well.....Not saying I'm rich or anything.... But I can go to any Dollar Tree and buy like 5 items without having to check the price first.

   What came first, Chickens who lay small eggs? Or dishonest egg packaging companies who put small eggs in cartons marked large?

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.

   If no one told you that you're beautiful today well I'm not about to start. Move on.

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!