Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I go to Taco Bell I get diarrhea. Perhaps next time, I should get tacos.

   I’ve realized that the penguin may be the only animal on earth that falls over more than I do

   I don't care about the shutdown affecting the parks and monuments. But I draw the line when it effect my beer.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   I got gas for $2 a gallon which was cheaper than getting it at Taco Bell.

   I still don't know why Microsoft put a talking paper clip in Microsoft Office instead of a talking ink pen they could call your "pen pal"

   Forget the wall Trump wants us to pay for. WTF is he doing about Nickleback?

   Euthanasia is OK, but most people can live without it.

   A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”

   A new study found that ESP could actually be real. I read about it in tomorrow’s paper.

   How long do you have to be ignorant before you start experiencing bliss ?

   I started a support group for men with erectile dysfuntion. It was a flop and nobody came.

   7645 plus, false or misleading claims. what a record.

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   CNN BREAKING NEWS: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released..

   Build the wall out of solar panels. Make God pay for it.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   Apparently bumblebees don't want you to pet them.

   Sure hope this episode of “Celebrity President” ends soon.

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.