Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pro-Tip: If you volunteer to sit at the kids' table this Thanksgiving, you can hide your green bean casserole under the plate of the toddler next you.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   I hate Walmart. The men's bathroom doesn't have any urninals! Just a bunch of women screaming telling me to get out

   The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $300.

   Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?

   Please enjoy this security camera footage of me not robbing the bank! It was recorded first, so the other tape of me dynamiting the vault, twirling my mustache, and running out holding sacks with dollar signs on them must be ignored!

   annual reminder that yelling at retail workers makes your turkey dry

   Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout.... I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

   I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.

   what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

   Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.

   me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you

   it’s funny how guys like being called daddy until the pregnancy test is positive

   ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

   Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l

   It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

   Jimmy Buffett has a cruise and he doesn’t even go on it. That’s like going to see Hootie & the Blowfish and just getting Blowfish.

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

   If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something