Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm downtown and my prescription for my glasses just ran I can't find my F#$@%^ing Car..
←Rate | 08-18-2018 17:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girl who pushed friend off bridge Is charged after new footage emerges. This would have been prevented if the victim had a gun.
←Rate | 08-18-2018 17:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "If he hasn't pissed you off yet, give him some time, he will."
←Rate | 08-18-2018 15:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t be silly. Those bodies were there when I bought the place.
←Rate | 08-18-2018 09:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m white, but not ‘get married in a barn’ white.
←Rate | 08-18-2018 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So....what do you think of your military parade now?
←Rate | 08-18-2018 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "You're never too old to learn something stupid."
←Rate | 08-18-2018 06:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
←Rate | 08-18-2018 06:05 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay! I'd better pull my finger out!
←Rate | 08-18-2018 04:26 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart
←Rate | 08-17-2018 16:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest
←Rate | 08-17-2018 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Funny how Chicago wanted Trump free zone now they are calling for his help.
←Rate | 08-17-2018 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just found out that Ribbed Condoms DO NOT taste like ribs!!
←Rate | 08-17-2018 13:56 by CB Comments (0)  

   messageicon You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...
←Rate | 08-17-2018 13:38 by JohnY Comments (2)  

   messageicon I love getting lectured about patriotism and morality by a draft dodging bigot who conspires with our enemies, obstructs justice, lies constantly and pays hush money to porn stars. Don't you?
←Rate | 08-17-2018 11:58 Comments (3)  

   messageicon If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.
←Rate | 08-17-2018 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I answered that ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.
←Rate | 08-17-2018 10:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?
←Rate | 08-17-2018 10:04 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?
←Rate | 08-17-2018 01:41 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.
←Rate | 08-17-2018 01:18 by Haha Comments (0)  

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