Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel as lonely and unwanted as the zucchini in the break room

   If they would raid a job fair like area 51 ..nahhh that will not happen.

   There's a very fine line between "I'm not doing anything ight now except looking at Facebook" and "I'm not doing anything right now because I'm looking at my Facebook"

   This Summer, live a little and drop an unwrapped Baby Ruth candy bar in someone’s swimming pool.

   first we need a "space force" then later on, there isn't alien activity at area 51

   Antifa .. same party, same tactics, different hood

   All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.

   Space aliens are taking our jobs. This is why we need to ransack Area 51.

   I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.

   Before writing "Thanks but maybe next time!" I should make sure those Facebook invides aren't for a wedding.

   No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

   1. Lemon 2. Ice 3. Me Things my wife doesn't want in cider

   Epstein likes his women like he likes his scotch. 12 years old with coke.

   I don’t like the term “dad bod”. I prefer “father figure”

   The weather is 95 and hazy .. kind of like Bernie Sanders.

   Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: [snoring] Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

   Sorry for writing "Everyone makes mistakes" in your wedding guestbook.

   Restaurant toilets are so dangerous. So many of my dates have gone there and never some back.

   20 years ago the Internet was an escape from the real world. Now the real world is in escape from the Internet

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....