Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 3 of 5901

   messageicon Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
←Rate | 09-12-2019 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once, just once, I'd like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
←Rate | 09-12-2019 10:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.
←Rate | 09-12-2019 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
←Rate | 09-12-2019 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Guess who just bragged about what they did the day of September 11 and made it about them.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 22:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read a statistic that someone gets hit by a car every eight seconds. That guy must be hurtin', man.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 19:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Vaping doesn't kill people, people kills people.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 18:03 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Copy and Paste this status if you think Spectrum needs to learn what a "Limited-time Offer" means and needs stop sending us never ending letters in the mail telling us that.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 11:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tell me your dreams and fantasies! Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
←Rate | 09-11-2019 08:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 08:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Hollywood, If you want to make your zombie movies more realistic you need to stop creating zombies with scars unless you expect us to believe someone is stitching them up.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 04:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon wouldn't it be nice if the past 2 1/2 years turn out to be an episode of Punk'd
←Rate | 09-11-2019 01:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.
←Rate | 09-11-2019 00:56 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 15:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.
←Rate | 09-10-2019 13:48 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left