Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just found out I have 100% body fat. That means I'm basically a can of Crisco. 😛

   Happy Father's Day to all the wonderful dads out there who are killing it. This one's for you!!!

   Did you hear the latest ICE joke? It's a riot!!!

   I don't understand the Indian people. They win spelling bees, but can't keep a plane in the air.

   Hello, Delta? Yes I'd like to reserve seat 11A. That's correct, 11A. What? You already have 242 passengers booked in 11A?

   BREAKING: Ed the Zebra spotted in Sunrise, FL. Witnesses say he distracted the Panthers long enough for the Oilers to sneak in an OT winner. Sources confirm he’s now demanding a Stanley Cup ring.

   Ed the zebra galloped across Tennessee. The Oilers galloped across Florida’s defense. Both ended up airborne—one in a helicopter, the other in OT euphoria.

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays, the new game is Tesla Sass Slap.

   Where are the water cannon trucks? Give them turds a flush.

   My wife and I were happy for 23 years. Then, we met.

   To all the injured rioters out there—might want to apply a little ICE to those wounds!

   I don't care how good looking you are if you don't have any brains." -Zombies

   Dear LGBQTMSNBC freaks. This WOKE nonsense is over. Go seek help, or a hysterectomy. Whichever comes first.

   Due to lack of punch buggies on the road nowadays the new game is tesla titty twista

   The reason the 'why does the military only get one day' people mention it mainly during Pride Month is because the dysphoric, rainbow cucks ram it down our throats. (Not to mention each other's.)

   You want this, you want that. People in heII want ice water.

   If Those "why does the military only get one day people" actually cared they'd mention it any other month otherthen pride

   In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.