Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.

   The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...

   I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..

   Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.

   Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.

   Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

   Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

   NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.

   When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"

   A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.

   Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..

   How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.

   The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.

   This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.

   name a more iconic trio than Phone, Keys and Wallet