Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 14:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 13:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A penny saved is more than a penny earned, because a penny earned is taxed.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first rule of passive aggressive club is, y'know what, never mind, it's fine...
←Rate | 01-15-2020 11:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I may not be the skinniest or the best looking out there, but let me tell you something. I'm also not the smartest..
←Rate | 01-15-2020 09:48 by Tripguided Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dr. Phil was on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your arse* beat”!
←Rate | 01-15-2020 07:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..
←Rate | 01-15-2020 07:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 07:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever been trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water is running?
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 06:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 03:57 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you see a piece of garbage on the ground you can pick up you must ask yourself "What would Greta Thunberg do?"
←Rate | 01-14-2020 20:08 Comments (1)  

   messageicon A bunch of helicopters should be called hellacopters.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scoopable cat litter makes me feel like the worst miner ever..
←Rate | 01-14-2020 16:20 by Mobe Comments (0)  

   messageicon How awesome were the 50s? None of the girls had tramp stamps & you could smoke in hospitals.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The paleo diet is to eat only foods cavemen would have eaten. So, fruity pebbles, cocoa pebbles, the oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs, etc.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon name a more iconic trio than Phone, Keys and Wallet
←Rate | 01-14-2020 11:37 Comments (0)  

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