Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
←Rate | 03-13-2019 01:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm a porn again Christian.
←Rate | 03-13-2019 00:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
←Rate | 03-12-2019 19:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned
←Rate | 03-12-2019 16:18 by Sharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.
←Rate | 03-12-2019 16:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
←Rate | 03-12-2019 12:08 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.
←Rate | 03-12-2019 11:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.
←Rate | 03-12-2019 01:57 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.
←Rate | 03-11-2019 22:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...
←Rate | 03-11-2019 20:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.
←Rate | 03-11-2019 18:30 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....
←Rate | 03-10-2019 17:12 by Sharp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 14:15 by Kisstopher707 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
←Rate | 03-10-2019 12:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 12:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You'll install an anti virus on your computer but not on your kids?
←Rate | 03-10-2019 12:12 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 09:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
←Rate | 03-10-2019 09:27 Comments (0)  

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