Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio. Surprising, because we live in

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.

   Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

   Privilege is having multiple national organizations promoting and protecting your race, all of which are subsidized by federal tax dollars.

   Someone told me to check my White Privilege. I looked and said "Yep. Got it right here."

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Breaking News Adam Schiff has proof that one of Donald Trumps kids is the missing Lindbergh baby

   After such a high demand for COVID-19 face masks, I have recently started making them. Does anyone know how much chloroform I need to use?

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   41 shot in NYC this weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. There were no police officers involved.

   I'm trying to figure out why you're mad at me for not wearing a mask. Does the one you're wearing not work?

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   Privilege is being given extra consideration based on what box you check for race on your college application.

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Sometimes I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb

   My white privilege was me working 2 jobs to put myself thru the cheapest public university I could attend...

   Hope Charlie Daniels wins that fiddle of gold. 🎻 R.I.P.

   CNN just asked Joe Biden when he was going to pick a running mate, He told them he thought he already had.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   My wife agreed to roleplay as Catwoman but won’t let me say pow and bam with each thrust.