Banjaxed Funny Status Messages

   I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tire and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears

   My wife is going to crap when she sees I've fixed the toilet

   had a Black Out last night .........she was a very lovely girl so I asked her out again for next weekend

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   I locked my coat hanger in the car...it's a good thing I carry a spare set of keys

   was gonna donate blood until the lady got all personal and started asking "who's blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   I am so sick of Irish Stereotypes ....as soon as I finish this pint of Guinness I'm gonna punch someone in the face

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I have a Gun , get in the Van

   somedays it hardly seems worth it to chew through the leather straps

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   I have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it

   Apple Maps projects Obama to win Paraguay

   I bought a pair of "Meatloaf" underwear today..on the front it says "I would do anything for Love" and on the back it says "But I wont do that"

   I was sitting across the bus today from a very sexy Thai girl...and I kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection , Don't get an erection"....But she did

   For anyone interested , I will be signing books at Barnes and Noble from 6PM until I am escorted out by securuty

   last night the ghost of Gloria gaynor oke me from my sleep.....at first I was afraid I was petrified

   I just walked up to a guuy with an eye patch and asked him was it really fun and games at that point