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X Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that.. Anyway, I'll cut this short cause,, I gotta go poop.
X I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.
X My dog knows that when I put on Sarah McLachlan,,, He's about to get a beating.
X Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.
X Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.
X There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?
X I've just finished designing a new line of T-shirts,,,, The T-shirts were first tested on animals.........they didn't fit
X I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"
X Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.
X I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
X There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.
X This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.
X is 8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...
X Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..
X Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??
X I'm not a competitive eater unless someone orders French fries,, "for the table."
X I eat the broken cookies first,, because I feel bad for them.
X I just went to this restauraunt on the moon.... The food was great but there was like, no atmosphere.. No really,, It took my breath away
X Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
X If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...