lemonpillow Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.
←Rate | 01-29-2010 19:34 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
←Rate | 03-22-2011 14:28 by lemonpillow Comments (2)  


   messageicon My boss questioned my enthusiasm today. I can't believe he woke me up just to tell me that.
←Rate | 10-26-2010 12:11 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have no problem giving credit where credit is due. It's giving payment where payment is due is where I struggle.
←Rate | 02-19-2010 21:12 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."
←Rate | 05-21-2010 17:39 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do I need scissors to open a pack of scissors? The whole point of buying scissors is that I don't f*cking have any!
←Rate | 04-23-2010 03:53 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don't think of yourself as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:10 by lemonpillow Comments (35)  


   messageicon I'm thinking of re-releasing my old statuses in 3D.
←Rate | 10-02-2010 07:38 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon The spider in my shower was probably relieved to get washed down the drain after the view of me he got from that angle.
←Rate | 01-12-2013 14:01 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.
←Rate | 02-20-2010 21:56 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon I love Facebook. It's the only place I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot.
←Rate | 02-06-2010 03:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.
←Rate | 07-03-2010 08:36 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
←Rate | 02-13-2010 15:13 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
←Rate | 09-15-2010 13:35 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.
←Rate | 12-21-2010 15:17 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.
←Rate | 04-13-2010 07:33 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Promises are like babies: easy to make but hard to deliver.
←Rate | 06-14-2010 12:34 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
←Rate | 07-04-2010 14:54 by lemonpillow Comments (1)  


   messageicon There's nothing wrong with having sex with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
←Rate | 07-12-2010 01:52 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most popular iPhone App of the month: Public Telephone Box Locator.
←Rate | 07-20-2010 18:40 by lemonpillow Comments (5)  




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