daheavy1 Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon Cougar sightings in my neighborhood over the past couple days... I'm going to lay out a trap in my yard with Journey's 'Greatest Hits' and a nice cabernet.
←Rate | 12-23-2013 13:17 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 12:04 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.
←Rate | 04-17-2012 09:42 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time
←Rate | 04-23-2012 17:58 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...
←Rate | 08-15-2011 10:22 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 19:29 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm white. But I'm not NASCAR fan white.
←Rate | 11-17-2011 18:27 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I'm not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
←Rate | 07-23-2013 12:37 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We better get some support soon or people will start thinking we're nuts!
←Rate | 11-22-2011 18:33 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What happens when you autotune Stephen Hawking?
←Rate | 08-09-2012 10:50 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
←Rate | 04-26-2017 10:47 by daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..
←Rate | 11-28-2011 20:28 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
←Rate | 10-24-2014 11:14 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never trust a man who takes selfies
←Rate | 07-07-2013 19:04 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So I won a contest. The prize was a year supply of calenders.
←Rate | 09-03-2012 19:05 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I swear if my boss paid ever me in Trident Layers, I'd probably have to kick his ass.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 23:16 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some people just need a hug... Around the neck. With my hands.
←Rate | 01-03-2012 19:11 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You don't need a parachute to skydive. You do need a parachute to skydive twice.
←Rate | 10-11-2013 07:20 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
←Rate | 03-20-2013 15:36 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman
←Rate | 11-05-2011 16:49 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  




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