Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.
←Rate | 11-27-2010 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn't talk over the song.
←Rate | 02-10-2011 17:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.
←Rate | 11-16-2012 11:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
←Rate | 12-16-2010 13:25 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon This guy's all like "I think you've had enough beers for one night." Then I'm all "Scrw you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk."
←Rate | 05-23-2011 13:28 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
←Rate | 03-07-2011 20:22 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts... it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone!
←Rate | 01-22-2011 21:09 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
←Rate | 03-22-2012 13:47 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
←Rate | 12-17-2012 23:02 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon I swear some people were conceived through anal sex. There is no way being that much of an asshole is natural.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 19:52 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
←Rate | 02-16-2013 12:45 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
←Rate | 01-03-2013 21:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.
←Rate | 06-18-2011 17:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Saturday morning.
←Rate | 06-28-2012 22:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
←Rate | 03-27-2010 05:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!
←Rate | 07-01-2011 15:41 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon So, Martin Luther King, Jr. had to wait 40 years to get his own momunent, and then they make it out of white marble? Awkward...
←Rate | 09-02-2011 21:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon Well, it's about that time of the day when I stop hitting the snooze button, wipe away the drool, open the blinds, and head on home from work.
←Rate | 04-12-2012 16:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon All the landmarks and millions of beautiful places on Google Earth, and the first thing everyone looks at is their own house.
←Rate | 09-26-2010 20:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  




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