Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An ambien walks into a Barr.

   MAGA - Macdonalds and Golf Again!

   I just bought a new Jeep. I named it Elizabeth Warren because it's all white yet says it's a Cherokee.

   Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

   My friend Suzanne & I used to babysit her nephew Rocky after he was born. I remember when Rock was young. Me and Suzy had so much fun.

   HURRY WHILE IT LAST LIMITED TIME OFFER!!! I HAVE 2 NON- HANDICAPPED FRONT ROW PARKING SPOTS AT WALMART $50

   Sometimes I get mad at my hand just for the make up sex.

   10 years ago, Janet Jackson's single nipple. Now I just saw all of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's nipples. Look how far we've come!

   Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.

   My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that's my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.

   What happens when you solve a Rubik's cube? Does it explode into Skittles or am I wasting my time?

   Men look at b00bs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.

   Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

   So...I'm only going to assume that's it probably not a good time to yell "if it's brown it's down" in public.

   Man: You look pretty today. Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.

   Have your demons call my demons

   You don't know me...you just know what someone said about me!

   Because I'm a gentleman, I'll carry you to the kitchen afterwards so you can make me a sandwich.

   No thanks feelings, I'll just take the sex.

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.